This piece originally appeared via Exhortations to the Oblivious, the former political humor sister-site of The Peacock Report (the predecessor site of U.S. Trade & Aid Monitor).
Hordes of vicious rats, tripping on acid, experiencing hallucinations of swirling, goody filled garbage heaps.
Legions of mice on meth, speeding through the crevices of your home in a peripatetic search for cheese, crumbs, or perhaps your toenails when you're not paying attention and your feet are sticking out from the blanket while you sleep.
They could be coming. And the federal government would be responsible. The unleashing of these reprehensible rodents, and the havoc they could wreak upon our society will rest on the hands of the President and his underlings at the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), who would be guilty of perpetrating this crime against humanity and against nature.
Okay, if such a thing were ever to happen -- which almost certainly never will occur -- then we would hold the Bush Administration accountable. But it will not happen (I think), so chill.
In reality (well, certainly not from a rat's point of view), NIDA is indeed looking for small businesses capable of administering hallucinogens and speed (and/or related chemical "compounds") into the bodies of live rats and mice, respectively. Under the auspices of the Treatment Discovery Programs at NIDA, the desired outcome of the endeavor is the testing and assessment of "potential pharmacotherapies for drugs of abuse including stimulants and hallucinogens," according to a Nov. 29 "sources sought" notice located by Exhortations.
On a more serious note, if NIDA feels that it has to get rodents all whacked out and high as a means of helping humans to battle substance abuse, so be it. Trip away, little rodents.
If by some chance any of these wide-eyed rodents happened to escape the selected contractor's facilities, and find their way into the privacy of your home, Exhortations has this suggestion: slip a copy of Atom Heart Mother by Pink Floyd into your CD player (or 8-track tape player, if appropriate), call animal control, then sit back and relax.
Even rats on acid and mice on meth cannot resist the mesmerizing power of pieces such as Alan's Psychedelic Breakfast and If. Just close your eyes and wait for authorities to arrive. In the end, all will be well.