Steve Peacock's U.S. Trade & Aid Monitor

Anticorruption Initiative Gains Steam

The U.S. Congress has been unable -- or unwilling -- to sufficiently tackle the issue of governmental corruption, but TPR sister site Exhortations to the Oblivious is poised to solve this problem. Check out U.S. Needs Uganda's Help -- Write Now, Before It's Too Late! for more on this initiative.

" Outsourcing Victory "

Tired of the depressing accounts of waste and corruption in government procurement that TPR so often uncovers and chronicles? Well, for a change of pace, TPR suggests you check out cartoonist Mark Fiore's hilarious take on the foibles of wartime federal contracting, Outsourcing Victory.

We Are a Beacon of Light, Part III

The worldwide extension of the U.S. government's leadership in combating corruption and waste is continuing unabated, evidenced by the latest plan by the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) to deploy yet another Senior Anticorruption Advisor -- this time, our nation gets to shine as a Pure Beacon of Light Unto the World in the nation of Moldova. Yes, Moldova. Don't ask me, pick up a map, all right? Luckily, the candidate for this position won't be diving blindly into the deep, dark waters of Moldova, as the Moldovians (Or is it Moldovites? Moldandmildewites? I sure don't know) already have launched their own anticorruption initiative, centering upon, according to recently obtained USAID document: 1) Reforming the judiciary; 2) Strengthening the monitoring capacity of civil society and mass media; 3) Preventing and curbing corruption in the health sector; 4) Curbing corruption in tax, customs, and police bodies; 5) Reforming the Center for Combating Economic Crimes and Corruption. Just for the record, The Peacock Report would like to point out that the government of Moldova wants to pursue the above-mentioned reforms in its own country, rather than elsewhere, such as in Washington, D.C., or on Wall Street. Perhaps the government of the United States can learn something from this inwardly reflective approach. But, in the meantime, USAID intends to unveil a concurrent version of this endeavor in and for Moldova, since the Moldovians obviously can't be trusted to do this on their own. As previously reported here at TPR, USAID has increased its planned investment into international anticorruption projects (but no, not in the U.S.) to $750,000,000. Similarly, as documented by our sister site Exhortations to the Oblivious, USAID is commencing this noble venture by helping the government of Tanzania to fight corruption. We'll show those Tanzanian devils and Moldovians how to get it right. Right?

Socks and Rockets

TPR's sister site, Exhortations to the Oblivious, has a plan once and for all to help Iraq to re-occupy Iraq.

Sock it to 'em, King George.

Click here to find out more.

Armies of Incarcerated Cosmetologists Springing Up in West Virginia

Crime doesn't pay -- unless, that is, you're an aspiring cosmetologist serving time in a federal penitentiary in West Virginia.

To read the full text of this satirical report, visit our sister site Exhortations to the Oblivious.

Bank Like An Egyptian

If only my wife were an Egyptian banker, we wouldn’t be having the damn problems we’re having right now. Three days into her first semester back in school -- after a long-delayed effort to complete her bachelors degree -- her laptop simply died. Seriously. It just ceased to exist, right after displaying, ironically, what appeared to be ancient hieroglyphics instead of the English alphabet. Since I’m already struggling to feed my wife and two daughters on a part-time substitute teacher’s salary and with occasional, paid freelance writing gigs, I just can’t buy her a new laptop right now. But damn it, like I said, if she were only an Egyptian banker, she’d be getting a free computer with a Pentium 4 processor on the way, courtesy of the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID). Not only would she have been able to avoid withdrawing from school, she could have translated the hieroglyphics appearing on her old laptop before it went a-pining for the fjords. You see, right now there are 84 lucky Egyptian bankers, banker trainers and banker trainees that USAID soon will provide such computer equipment, along with 10 projectors and four network switches to make their lives -- and their businesses -- better. According to a contracting document that Exhortations to the Oblivious has obtained, USAID really is bestowing this favor upon the Egyptian Banking Institute. Don’t worry, all you lazy, bloated American taxpayers who are unwittingly footing the bill for this sham, EBI at some point will send each and every one of you a thank-you card in the mail for your generosity. Next winter, upon realizing that you can’t afford to simultaneously obtain heating oil, food, and healthcare, you’ll have that greeting card to throw in the furnace, thereby enabling you to raise the thermostat on your heating system a notch before you trudge to the store with five rolls of pennies to buy a gallon of milk. USAID also is assuaging U.S. taxpayer concerns about government contracts inadvertently supporting repressive regimes (with the exception of those dwelling within the princely palaces of Cairo). The request for bids reminds contractors that the U.S. Executive Order On Terrorism Financing (February 2002) and U.S. law “prohibits transactions with, and the provision of resources and support to, individuals and organizations associated with terrorism. It is the responsibility of [the] offeror to ensure compliance with these Executive orders and laws.” Luckily, Egypt late last month extended for another two years its ability to arrest and detain anyone, for any reason, without bringing them to trial. Already in existence for the past 24 years, the emergency detention provision just keeps on going like the Energizer bunny, thanks to Egyptian President Hosni Mubarek, who encouraged Parliament to preserve the measure. I have a gut feeling that such a decision reflects good, common sense while benefiting America, as it decreases the chance that a terrorist, evildoer or just plain ol’ bad guy will benefit from this latest USAID transferrence of funds out of the country. God bless America, God bless presidents Mubarek and Bush, and may God bless Egyptian bankers, even if my wife wasn’t divinely blessed to be one!

Compassionate Conservatism for One Million Homeless Iraqis

I'm reposting this article, which originally was distributed via Indymedia Oct. 19, 2004, because of the sad irony that it represents. Take note of the fact that I wrote the piece in my awestruck response to Bush Administration reaching the 1,000 mark of dead U.S. soldiers -- we are now around the 2,500 mark, and Lord knows how high that body count will go.

The situation in Iraq is improving, our President says. Put in the context that the U.S. government will spend hundreds of millions of dollars to help Iraqis displaced by the conflict -- and to rebuild critical infrastructure, such as water treatment systems, which U.S. forces destroyed during the conflict -- there's, er, um, some truth to Bush's claims, isn't there?

President Bush announced last May that major combat operations in Iraq were over, and a year and half later and 1,000 burials of American soldiers further, Bush declared emphatically that the U.S. is making significant progress in that war-torn nation. "Our plan is working," he said about the Iraqi conflict during the second presidential debate with Democratic contender Sen. John Kerry. Yee-haw.

Indeed, the Bush administration not only invests U.S. taxpayer dollars into warplanes and bombs which destroy water treatment and sewage plants and other critical Iraqi infrastructure, it also makes further investments of those taxpayer funds into the rebuilding of such facilities. Compassionate conservatism at its best!

According to U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) planning documents that I recently obtained, there is evidence that additional progress indeed is appearing on the horizon.

USAID's Office of U.S. Foreign Disaster Assistance (OFDA) "expects a new allocation of $70 million in Iraq Relief and Reconstruction Funds through FY 2006 to respond to the needs of up to one million internally displaced persons (IDPs) in Iraq." Don't forget to put this in the context that OFDA already provided humanitarian aid to Iraqis to the tune of $112 million in fiscal years 2003 and 2004.

Aren't we a wonderful nation? We don't just bomb the crap out of people on the false pretext that their deposed, tyrannical leader was a direct threat to the well-being of our nation, but when the time came to force a million human beings to flee for their lives into the desert, we also sent them tents, Tylenol and million friggin' bottles of Poland Spring to ease their pain!

But wait, I admit that I'm putting words into the mouth of this compassionate, independent White House agency. To be more precise, these USAID humanitarian "interventions" are "aimed at reducing mortality, morbidity, and economic impacts associated with displacement." Such action will "help meet immediate needs, support the longer term goal of enhancing stability in Iraq and facilitate the return of IDPs to non-contentious area," according to USAID.

Whatever.

Coordinating this endeavor will be an as-of-yet-to-be named Program Officer, who will serve as OFDA's principal liaison in Bagdad to coordinate with the U.S. Embassy and "key humanitarian actors" such as the U.N. and various nongovernmental organizations.

Interested applicants for the position must be U.S. citizens and able to obtain a secret clearance. Although the contract calls for you to be stuck in Bagdad for a year (with the option to renew for another year), the pay is at the federal GS-14 level, which means you'll be making between $73,335 and $96,637.And we're talking about U.S. dollars, pardner, which is unlike the worthless wheelbarrows-full of Iraqi Monopoly money in the hands of BMW-driving Iraqi businessmen that Fox News conveniently locates for its daily puff pieces.

On a separate personnel front in Operation Iraqi Freedom and the Global War on Terror, the U.S. Dept. of Defense currently is soliciting competitive proposals from professional, private-sector interrogators and other "intelligence operations support" providers. According to a documents published by DoD's Wiesbaden Contracting Center, "All offers from responsible sources will be considered." Former U.S. military police previously stationed at the Abu Ghraib prison presumably need not apply.

USDA Gets Sheepish on America

A confession: I lack knowledge about sheep sperm and blood. As a result, I cannot comment on such matters authoritatively. There is, however, a bright spot regarding this shortcoming (no pun intended): the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture (USDA), which maintains a frozen depository of this stuff, apparently doesn’t know much about the topic either. Why else would it use your tax dollars to hire private contractors to take a closer look at the bodily fluids of sheep on its behalf?

The USDA today (not to be confused with the newspaper USA Today) launched a search for private sector help in this matter. Not just the USDA, but the National Center for Genetic Resources Preservation  in the National Animal Germplasm Program  of the Agricultural Research Service  of the USDA (of the Fort Collins, Colorado, USDA facility, that is). The department intends to award a contract to conduct ongoing analyses of semen and white blood cells from various sheep breeds “for the purpose of determining the genetic distance between the sheep breeds tested.”

Prior to discovering this endeavor during a routine search of the FedBizOpps contracting database, I didn’t know a darn thing about sheep breeds or the need to track the lineage of sheep. But it’s now clear to me that if the federal government were to remain sheepish on the issue of “genetic distance” (i.e.: the impact of inbreeding vs. non-inbreeding humanity would witness the emergence of a master race of sheep whose members share the combined facial structure of Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) and the hair-follicle density of Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.).

This won’t be the first time that the USDA will attempt to round up genetically mutant -- well, imperfect -- sheep. Four years ago it compared and contrasted “wooled” sheep (such as the popular Rambouillet and Gulf Coast Native breeds), against those that are “haired,” such as the Barbados Blackbelly and St. Croix sheep .

These wooled and haired sheep from the U.S. and Caribbean were studied along with 12 African, Asian and European breeds. The Rambouillet, “as expected, was closely related” to the Portuguese Black Merino as well as the Portuguese White Merino, the 2002 report said. On the other hand, it found out that the St. Croix, Barbados Blackbelly and Gulf Coast Native were more closely related to the two Portuguese breeds.

“This result was not anticipated,” the report concluded.

Despite these incredible findings, additional studies of other sheep populations “should better clarify the origin and diversity of genetic [sheep] resources present in the Americas,” it added.

Hence, this week’s unveiling of the new sheep sperm and blood study.

ANALYSIS

Exhortations to the Oblivious acknowledges that there may scientific merit to these studies. However, one question remains: In a so-called “free market” society, shouldn’t the Corporate Sheep Industry be footing (or hoofing) the bill for this research? Why should Joe and Jane America, who stress over simultaneously filling their gas tanks and filling their refrigerators, have to chip in for this?

Perhaps it’s time to take this British approach to sheep spermania and let the private sector sort it out. A U.K. nonprofit by the name of The Sheep Trust, rather than the government, solicits donations rather than acts as an aggressive pickpocket. And it’s well worth it: a paid membership in the group gets you a the Sheep Trust Newsletter twice a year, a Sheep Trust sticker for your car, plus a set of Sheep Trust postcards.

As usual, I belatedly realize that perhaps I’m being too rough on Uncle Sam and the corporate sponsors. After all, U.S. taxpayers probably reaped great dividends from other modes of Federal Sheep Support, such as when the citizenry unwittingly paid for:

1) 3,000 Radio Frequency Identification Devices for use in sheep and goat identification.

2) A historical “context study” of stock grazing, ranching, and homesteading in the greater Powder River Basin region of Wyoming (covering the general period of the early 1850's through 1939).

3) The proposed acquisition of up to 200 Dorset Finn Sheep for the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research. (Note: While it isn’t clear what Walter Reed wants with these sheep, don’t forget that Dolly, the world’s first cloned sheep, was of this particular breed. I don’t mean to spread rumors, but let’s put two and two together right quick: since Vice President Dick Cheney gets his medical care at this facility, the acquisition of these sheep is probably related to a secret project aimed at cloning the ailing, alien-looking, shotgun-wielding VP for reasons unknown).

4) The hiring of a contractor to supply sheep (or optional cattle) “to successfully accomplish grazing” of 100 acres of grassland at Makua Military Reservation, on the Waianae Coast of the Island of Oahu. This endeavor was later cancelled, at least temporarily.

5) The U.S. Department of Homeland Security’s proposed construction of a 500,000 square-foot facility on a 30-acre plot for the planned National Bio and Agro-Defense Facility, which would build robotic, armed guards to protect sheep from terrorist attacks.

6) The USDA purchase of multiple 26-ton lots of Cubed alfalfa for the feeding of sheep, cattle and goats.

7) The interstate transportation of sheep, including the movement of pregnant ewes and sheep suffering from with clinical scrapie http://www.aphis.usda.gov/vs/nahps/scrapie/ .

8) The “humane euthanasia” of diseased sheep and goats and the disposal of their carcasses.

9) The incineration of diseased sheep and other animals.

10) The "purchase of GPS (Global Positioning Satellite) collars to track the whereabouts of bighorn sheep.

I don’t know about you, but it’s almost midnight as I write this. It’s time to go to bed (and you can be sure I won’t be counting sheep if I can’t sleep).

USDA Gets Sheepish on America

Satire

Our sister site Exhortations to the Oblivious takes a satirical look at the good, the baaaaad, and the ugly side of federally funded programs. Click here to find out more.

Armor & Irony: Destroy the Village & Sell Huts to Homeless Villagers

Isn't it ironic that U.S. industry produces items such as mini armored troop carriers, while simultaneously manufacturing bombs known as sensor fuzed weapons, which are made to destroy such human-delivery watercraft?

To view the entirety of this satirical piece, please visit our sister site, Exhortations to the Oblivious ***UPDATE: Link no longer avaialble).